First Blog Post

So yeah...

I decided I would start my own blog to blog about my journey battling this cancer.  I'm trying anything to help.  Many people have suggested to me that I write, so that's what I'm doing.  I'm writing. 

I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer September 4th, 2012, a few days after having emergency surgery to remove a huge tumor on my left ovary.  What a shock that was, to think you're perfectly healthy one minute and the next minute you're lying on a gurney being wheeled to the operating room for emergency surgery.  I never thought I could ever be more scared... until a few weeks ago, when I learned the cancer was back again.  

I went through six rounds of chemotherapy and that whole ordeal the first time around.  After my last chemotherapy session on February 1st of this year, I thought I was done.  I thought I had beat it.  I was celebrating, but maybe a little too early.  I had my three month follow-up CT scan May 14th, about three months after my last chemo.  I was expecting good news, expecting the nurse to call my mom and say that everything was clear and I wouldn't have to go back for another few months.  But, that's not what happened.  My scan wasn't clear and I'm not cancer-free.  

"This cancer is obviously stronger than the chemo you received."  Those are probably the most scary words a person can ever hear from a doctor.  My doctor being just as surprised as I was and her questioning of what she would do next didn't seem to help matters.  My cancer is so rare, barely any of the doctors at UNC have ever dealt with it before.  So rare, in fact, that only 0.5% of women with Ovarian Cancer have this type.  A team of doctors had to meet to discuss what the plan of treatment for me was going to have to be.  At first, my oncologist at UNC didn't think surgery would benefit me because she didn't think she would be able to remove all the separate tumors.  She thought she would just have to resort to finding a stronger chemo and go from there.  That was the scary part, thinking nothing would work at this point.  But the doctors met and decided on a different course of action.  They decided I would have surgery and I would have it soon.

I've never been more scared in my life, especially after learning what all this surgery entails.  My surgeon will have my abdomen opened up for nearly four hours while she does exploratory surgery to try to remove all the cancer she can and also maybe do a full hysterectomy or removal of some intestines if needed.  If that doesn't scare a person, I don't know what will...

I'm more confident now that I've met with my doctor for pre-op and she seems so confident about this surgery, but that fear is always at the back of my mind.  My surgery is in two days, and boy, am I scared...  If this surgery goes well and I recover completely, half of the fear I have will be gone.  The other half is just me constantly being afraid that these next rounds of chemo won't beat my cancer, either.  That's the scary part.  I can get through the chemo.  If I've done it once, I can do it again.  Yeah, it sucks.  Yeah, I always feel like crap, I'm always tired, and the worst part... losing my taste.  But, I can get through it again.  I just hopes it works.  But with my amazing friends and family, I feel like I can get through anything at this point.  I can't say enough about all the amazing people in my life.  There's no way I can ever name them all because there's so many, but you know who you are.  They were by my side the first go around and I know they'll all be by my side this go around.  I couldn't do it without them.  

No matter what, the fear is always there.  Everyone tells me I'm so strong and I'm such an inspiration, but sometimes it's hard for me to see that.  Sometimes I just want to break down and just scream, but somehow I feel like if I seem strong and look strong to others, then I am strong.  Maybe that's a weird way of thinking, but I don't know, it seems to work for now.  It's good when I actually find someone who sort of understands what I'm going through and I can actually talk about my feelings.  So, to all those people who continuously listen to my ranting and never tell me to shut up, you have no idea how much it means to me.  I love you all.

Anyways, this is all I have to say for now.  I'll probably try to post another blog after surgery, in the hospital, if I'm able.  Wish me luck everyone, Lord knows I need it.