Unspoken Bond

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have this bond with all other cancer patients.  Maybe it's because only we understand what each one of us is going through and the battles we face every day.  Whatever it is, it's something truly remarkable.

Walking into the Cancer Center or the Women's Center at UNC, I'm usually the youngest one there by a long shot.  I still feel an understanding from all the other cancer patients.  They look at me and they just know.  Sometimes they just give me the nod or the smile when they can tell I'm not up for talking, but every now and then, they'll start up a conversation.  "So, what's your story?"  People have no idea how great it is to have someone else know exactly what you're going through. Someone who's not going to always tell you not to worry and that everything will be just fine, but instead will let you vent and talk about how scared you really are.

I hear these stories about other cancer patients who fought such a tough battle against their cancer and cancer ends up taking their life.  I feel this connection with them that few people can understand and it only makes me want fight harder and win my battle, for all those who lost theirs.  

Cancer is an ugly, terrible thing that I wish didn't exist.  I've been through many rough things in my life, but this is definitely the hardest battle I've ever had to fight.  I still have quite the battle left but I still have plenty of fight left in me. And I will never ever give up. Life is too precious. 

Also, my surgery is tomorrow morning so here's to hoping and praying that everything goes well! Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I love you all so so much! 

**Also, I want to dedicate this post to Mr. Hackett, who lost his battle just a few days ago.  But I know he's looking down on his family and friends and also everyone else who still has a tough battle to fight. I'm fighting this fight for you and everyone else who fought a long, hard fight. Rest easy. "Hackstrong"

Cherishing Every Moment

The fear of dying shouldn't be the only thing that makes a person cherish every moment in life.  I guess this journey has taught me a lot in the last year.  I've learned to cherish every little thing, whether it seems important at the time or not.  Truth is, you're never going to get that exact moment back, so enjoy it while you can.

The fear of dying also shouldn't be the only thing that makes a person really live.  I'm not talking about the everyday life, same thing day after day.  I'm talking about really living. Going out and doing things you never thought you would do.  Conquering fears and having the time of your life while doing it.  Doing things that you'll never forget as long as you live, whether it be a meticulously planned backpacking trip or a spontaneous trip to the beach.  Do the things you really want to do while you still have the ability to do them.

When I was a senior in high school, one of my teachers had my class make a bucket list of things we wanted to accomplish in life.  At the time, I didn't take this assignment as seriously as I should have.  Now, I see how important a bucket list can be and I really appreciate the importance of that assignment.  I've added more things to my bucket list in the past few months then I could have ever imagined.  Surprisingly, I'm checking things off one by one, as I accomplish the things I never thought I could or would have even attempted.  

I don't take anything for granted these days.  I cherish every moment, whether it be alone time when I get to take in the beauty around me or time I spend with family and friends.  Cancer is perceived as such a horrible thing, but I guess for me it hasn't been all negative.  It's taught me so much and I've met some pretty amazing people along the way.  Life is always a journey and I'm growing each and every day. 

One Year

A lot can change in just a year.  I know that to be true now, more than ever.  Tomorrow will make exactly one year since the day I walked into the Wilson emergency room having abdominal pain, only to be having emergency surgery just a few hours later to remove a ruptured tumor and my left ovary.  

One year that I've been fighting this terrible cancer.  So much can happen in just a year.  Two major surgeries, twenty-one rounds of chemotherapy, countless trips to see so many different doctors, all in just a year's time.  I can't even explain all the emotions I've experienced in just this past year.  Shock, sadness, anger, happiness, even just being completely numb at times.  From feeling like I was on top of the world when I finished my first go around with chemo and thought I ha beat this cancer, to that moment of shock and numbness when I found out my fight is not yet over.  It's been an emotional rollercoaster. 

It's amazing to think about the difference a year can make.  I've learned so much in just a short year and I sure have changed.  I've learned to appreciate all the small things and to never take anything for granted.  I've learned how people can come together to help someone they love.  I've learned to appreciate the most important people in my life who will always be there for me no matter what. 

If anything, this battle that I'm going through has changed me for the better.  I've grown as a person and I've learned to just take things day by day and be thankful every morning that I wake up.  My fight isn't over yet and I know I'll still face obstacles day in and day out, but I hope I continue to have the support system I've had and I know I can accomplish anything.  I don't know where my journey will take me next but I'm accepting it with open arms. 

One Week Down!

So, I'm one week through chemo, and boy, was it a rough one.  

I started chemo Monday, on my birthday, at Chapel Hill.  I received 2 types of chemo that day, one through my chest port and one through the port in my side.  The cistplatin is the type I got through my side and that was the rough one.  It made me feel horrible all week and I'm even still feeling some effects from it.  I had complications from the cistplatin chemo on Monday night, and my doctor thinks she may cut back on it some during my next round.  I sure hope so, because I'm not up for feeling that way again.

This chemo is so much stronger than the last type of chemo I received.  I actually think I kind of underestimated it a little.  I thought I'd be able to get through it as easily as I did with the last chemo, but this chemo has really gotten me down.  There are also a lot more side effects with this chemo.  Ringing in the ears, hearing loss, blurry vision, loss of appetite, metallic taste, and so on... and I've experienced all of it.  And it absolutely sucks.  There's no other way to even explain it.  I can't even begin to try to explain to people how I feel.  I feel restless, like I want to do something, but I'm too exhausted to actually do anything.  It's a weird feeling to try to explain, so I won't even try.

The rest of the week of chemo every day went okay, for the most part.  Thursday was one of my roughest days and I felt pretty bad, very nauseous and really exhausted.  They gave me lots of meds that day and I slept most of the time through chemo.
 

 Friday was a better day for me and thankfully, my last day of chemo for two weeks.  Now, I have a 2 week break and can hopefully start feeling normal for at least a week or two.  Then, I'll start the process all over again.  Two more weeks of chemo and I hope that I'll be done for good and not have to go through any of this anymore.  I'm hoping that my next two rounds won't be as rough on me and maybe my body will get use to the chemo.  Here's to hoping!

Recovery

Well, it's been about a week and a half since surgery and I'm recovering well.  I had my staples removed 2 days ago and boy, do I feel better.  I'm beginning to get around better and can actually walk around without holding my stomach.  I had another port-a-cath put into my chest 2 days ago, as well.  I don't think I'll be so fast to get this one removed once I'm done with chemo.  Not making that mistake again.

I start chemo in 4 days, which is also my birthday.  It'll be quite the birthday gift, but I guess it's not so much of a bad thing.  Someone special in my life told me that maybe it is a good omen and to think about it if chemo didn't exist.  What would I do?  There would be no way to fight this cancer.  So, I guess she was right.  I need to start looking at everything as being positive, even though that's so much harder said than done.  It's hard sometimes to be positive about every little thing and I know I never will be, but I certainly can try.  I read this great article yesterday about cancer survivors that I feel like everyone should read.  It tells you a lot about how people battling cancer live their lives and everything in it is so true, so I decided to include it here: 
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-9852/10-things-i-learned-from-people-who-survive-cancer.html 

It's a great read and everyone should check it out.  I do have mood swings, I do get feisty, I have learned to say no, I don't take crap from people, I get angry, I get upset, I cry, and then I cheer up.  That's how I deal with things I go through.  No one else knows what it's like unless you've been through all this yourself.  It's a lot to take in sometimes and sometimes I feel like I just need a break from the world for a while.  My family and friends have been great at helping me through everything, though, and also giving me those breaks I need.  It's so nice when I can just hang out with a friend and feel like things are normal and not have to talk or think about cancer.  I don't know where I'd be without my family and friends.  Also, something I haven't mentioned on this blog yet, but my rugby team.  They are all my family and I love them more than words can ever explain.  They've been amazing to me through all this and I wouldn't survive it without them.

I really hope that by the time I'm done with chemo, I'll be able to go back to college and things will go back to normal.  I just want to be with all my friends at college and be able to spend time with my rugby team.  It's only been a month and I miss them like crazy.  I can't wait to be back in Boone and things to be back to normal, even if I'm not able to play.  This team has changed my life and we're all in this fight together. FIGHT THE FIGHT! 

FINALLY HOME!

Well, I'm finally home and getting settled in.  My surgery went well, even though it was a little longer and more traumatic on my body than expected.  I'm healing well and almost ready for these 32 staples to come out. 

I spent five days in the hospital and let me tell you, it was not a fun time.  I don't really remember my first day at all.  After waking up from surgery, I remember my family and my friend, Cody, being there, but not much else, other than the pain I was in.  So much pain.  This surgery was a lot more painful than my first surgery when I had my first tumor and ovary removed.  But then again, I had a smaller incision and only 10 staples that time.  This time, my incision goes from the top of my pelvis all the way up to my belly button, around my belly button and up about another inch.  I can't even begin to explain how sore I am.  I didn't do much in the hospital other than sleep and feel like complete crap.  And everyone had a lot of fun taking pictures of me during this time...

Tuesday was the roughest day for me.  I was jerked around by all the nurses who obviously didn't know how big my incision was and how sore I was.  Then, Tuesday night, my fever spiked to about 105 and I was so weak, I couldn't even open my eyes.  It was rough go.  Wednesday morning was better, other than getting sick and the nurses not knowing what to do, but from there on out, I started to get better.  I was finally able to be discharged Friday and I was so happy to be leaving UNC.  I still have quite the ways to go, but with all the help and support I'm getting, I'm sure I can get through it all.  I'll have my staples removed in 3 days and start chemo in another week.  Each chemo cycle will last 5 days straight and then I'll have a 2 week break between each cycle.  I'll only have 3 cycles this time, instead of 6 though.  I'm just ready for all of it to be over and for me to be cured.  I plan on fighting until the end! 

I'd just like to thank everyone for all the texts, facebook messages, cards and so on that I've received since surgery.  Even though I can't respond to them all, I promise that I read each and every one and I appreciate all of them.  Thank you so much!  I'll keep you all updated on my journey!

First Blog Post

So yeah...

I decided I would start my own blog to blog about my journey battling this cancer.  I'm trying anything to help.  Many people have suggested to me that I write, so that's what I'm doing.  I'm writing. 

I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer September 4th, 2012, a few days after having emergency surgery to remove a huge tumor on my left ovary.  What a shock that was, to think you're perfectly healthy one minute and the next minute you're lying on a gurney being wheeled to the operating room for emergency surgery.  I never thought I could ever be more scared... until a few weeks ago, when I learned the cancer was back again.  

I went through six rounds of chemotherapy and that whole ordeal the first time around.  After my last chemotherapy session on February 1st of this year, I thought I was done.  I thought I had beat it.  I was celebrating, but maybe a little too early.  I had my three month follow-up CT scan May 14th, about three months after my last chemo.  I was expecting good news, expecting the nurse to call my mom and say that everything was clear and I wouldn't have to go back for another few months.  But, that's not what happened.  My scan wasn't clear and I'm not cancer-free.  

"This cancer is obviously stronger than the chemo you received."  Those are probably the most scary words a person can ever hear from a doctor.  My doctor being just as surprised as I was and her questioning of what she would do next didn't seem to help matters.  My cancer is so rare, barely any of the doctors at UNC have ever dealt with it before.  So rare, in fact, that only 0.5% of women with Ovarian Cancer have this type.  A team of doctors had to meet to discuss what the plan of treatment for me was going to have to be.  At first, my oncologist at UNC didn't think surgery would benefit me because she didn't think she would be able to remove all the separate tumors.  She thought she would just have to resort to finding a stronger chemo and go from there.  That was the scary part, thinking nothing would work at this point.  But the doctors met and decided on a different course of action.  They decided I would have surgery and I would have it soon.

I've never been more scared in my life, especially after learning what all this surgery entails.  My surgeon will have my abdomen opened up for nearly four hours while she does exploratory surgery to try to remove all the cancer she can and also maybe do a full hysterectomy or removal of some intestines if needed.  If that doesn't scare a person, I don't know what will...

I'm more confident now that I've met with my doctor for pre-op and she seems so confident about this surgery, but that fear is always at the back of my mind.  My surgery is in two days, and boy, am I scared...  If this surgery goes well and I recover completely, half of the fear I have will be gone.  The other half is just me constantly being afraid that these next rounds of chemo won't beat my cancer, either.  That's the scary part.  I can get through the chemo.  If I've done it once, I can do it again.  Yeah, it sucks.  Yeah, I always feel like crap, I'm always tired, and the worst part... losing my taste.  But, I can get through it again.  I just hopes it works.  But with my amazing friends and family, I feel like I can get through anything at this point.  I can't say enough about all the amazing people in my life.  There's no way I can ever name them all because there's so many, but you know who you are.  They were by my side the first go around and I know they'll all be by my side this go around.  I couldn't do it without them.  

No matter what, the fear is always there.  Everyone tells me I'm so strong and I'm such an inspiration, but sometimes it's hard for me to see that.  Sometimes I just want to break down and just scream, but somehow I feel like if I seem strong and look strong to others, then I am strong.  Maybe that's a weird way of thinking, but I don't know, it seems to work for now.  It's good when I actually find someone who sort of understands what I'm going through and I can actually talk about my feelings.  So, to all those people who continuously listen to my ranting and never tell me to shut up, you have no idea how much it means to me.  I love you all.

Anyways, this is all I have to say for now.  I'll probably try to post another blog after surgery, in the hospital, if I'm able.  Wish me luck everyone, Lord knows I need it.