One Hell of a Fight

"You put up one hell of a fight." Meaningful words, yet they're words you still never want to hear, especially when you're fighting cancer. Well, that's a phrase that I heard today. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I heard this phrase. And now it keeps replaying over and over again in my head.

There were many ways the doctor could have said what he needed to say. "There's nothing more we can do for you." "We've run out of options." "You should start thinking about and planning for the inevitable."

No one ever wants to hear any of that. Those words sting. No, not sting, they hit you. Hard. It's like a hard punch, low down in your gut. You feel this tugging at your chest and a knot in your throat. You can't speak, but you can't cry out. The silent tears just roll down your face, as you look around the room and try to catch your breath. Try to grab on and focus on one thought, while millions are going through your head. 

This is it. I did put up one hell of a fight. I don't want to feel like I lost though. Cancer did not win. If I had lost, I would've came away empty handed. I am not empty handed. I'm more of a person now than I ever was. It was quite the journey, these past two years. I learned so much. So much about myself and about others. So much about life and how it's suppose to be lived. I met so many amazing people along the way and made lifetime friends. I grew closer to my family and made some of the best memories that I hope will never be forgotten. Some of my best days were spent fighting cancer. Doing things that I probably would have never done if I hadn't been diagnosed. I went skydiving. I was able to go to a Washington Spirit soccer game and even met my favorite athlete, Ali Krieger, who's always been such an inspiration to me.

 I loved like I've never loved before. I started an auto project on my car with my younger brother. One that I hopes he continues to keep working on long after I'm gone. I teased my older brother more than ever, but he knows it was only out of love. I stole street signs with my friends because it was just something I had always wanted to do. (It's kind of a victimless crime, so don't judge:) I came home from college, where I had met some amazing lifetime friends, to spend more time with my family. My parents. I made long trips back and forth to my second home, Boone, just to see the beautiful college town I fell in love with years ago and to spend time with those people who I don't just consider friends, but family. Time with my rugby team and coaches, who definitely are all my second family. My three best friends in Boone (trifecta forever). I never could have gotten through any of this as long as I did without those people. Trips to Asheville to see one of the best friends I could've ever asked for in this life. And riding around in my car almost every Friday and Saturday night, doing "hoodrat stuff" with my younger brother and sometimes, even a few friends. Riding around in the nicest looking lifted white jeep I've ever seen, with one of my best friends, slinging some mud or even just talking about life.  So, this fight with cancer didn't bring me down, but only lifted me up. 

I never want to hear anyone say that I lost my battle with cancer. I did not. I won. I won because I received so much more out of this fight than cancer did. You may have taken my health, my organs, and my body, but you didn't take my spirit, my attitude, or my love. And because of that, I won this fight. Not cancer.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me these last two years through anything and everything that I've been through. The messages, emails, phone calls, texts, letters, cards, etc. are what got me through each and every day. I never would have made it this far without all the love and support from all of you. I'll never have all the words to thank you enough for all that you've done and all you will do. I love you all. Always and forever. 

❤️Kristen 

$$$Moooolah$$$

Pardon me while I have a little rant here... But I'm beginning to think this country is ridiculous.  Everything just seems backwards to me.  I'm almost tens of thousands of dollars in debt because of medical bills and college loans.  I didn't ask to get cancer. I didn't ask to have three surgeries to remove tumors from my body.  I didn't ask to have over thirty rounds of chemo, costing about $6,000 each time. No cancer patient asks for that, yet most of us will be in debt for the rest of our lives, if we even live to tell the story. 

I have to pay tens of thousands of dollars for what is sometimes mediocre medical care.  I have to pay tens of thousands to dollars for education and a degree that doesn't even guarantee I get a job or the career I want.  I could end up working at the same place as someone who dropped out of middle school.  I don't get proper help from our government because my family income is too much to get assistance but not enough to pay for things ourselves.  I don't get full financial aid for school because my family isn't poor enough, but I sure as hell couldn't pay for college by myself.  Have you seen how much college tuition is these days? 

Teenagers are encouraged to apply to colleges.  It's drilled into their heads before they even start high school.  Work hard, get good grades, keep your GPA up, do well on the SAT or ACT, and you'll be accepted.  What they're not warned is that being accepted into college isn't the same thing as paying for college.  I made a 1900 on the SAT and had a 4.25 average GPA throughout high school, but that didn't help me too much.  Sure, there are scholarships and grants that you don't have to pay back, but they're not as easy to get as you think.  I applied for plenty of scholarships and grants and only received two.  Also, books for college classes are ridiculously overpriced.  $600 for a text book? $100 for a lab manual? And not everyone is a full-ride athlete.  There's this stigma that if you don't go to college after high school then you aren't doing anything with your life... Well, maybe it just isn't for everyone.  Certainly not everyone can afford it.  Some people can't even afford to apply to colleges.  I remember three years ago, I probably spent close to $1000 just applying to colleges.  The average college application fee is $200. And yes, that's non-refundable.  That's ridiculous!  Paying $200 to a school that I MIGHT go to? That I might not even be accepted into?  That might just be my back-up school?  Society wants high school graduates to so badly attend college and have the college experience but doesn't care about the amount of debt they'll be in four years later. 

This country loans money to kids that they know will never ever be able to pay that money back.  Not every college graduate lands a job right after graduation and has a six figure salary to start paying back loans before that lovely interest kicks in.  It's absolutely ridiculous.

Don't get me started on medical care.  Appointment after appointment, doctor after doctor, bill after bill.  You're charged for EVERY. LITTLE. THING.  Every opinion, every pill, every night you spend in the hospital, every prescription, every time you get your blood pressure checked, your finger pricked, your temperature taken.  Insurance helps, but it's not a life saver.  I didn't do anything to get cancer.  I never smoked, I was active, I pretty much ate healthy. I didn't ask for any of this, certainly not hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of medical care that sometimes I question if it's even worth to keep getting.  

I don't know, maybe this is just my opinion, but things seem backwards to me.  People who are just too lazy to work receive huge amounts of disability money, when people who REALLY need it don't get approved.  People who don't really need food stamps are able to get them and sell or trade them for drugs or money.  People apply for student loans and take the money and run and never go to college or pay the money back.  People who are addicted to prescription drugs are able to get free medical care and Medicaid to get drugs that other people actually NEED.  Women are able to have kids they don't care about taking care of, just to get a check from the government every month.  But hey, as long as you can buy that $700 pocket book, your baby doesn't need milk or diapers, it's okay.  

This isn't about politics or placing blame on someone or a political party, but just realizing that this country is in a bad place and something needs to be done about it.  I guess it just took getting sick and leaving college for me to realize it.