One Hell of a Fight

"You put up one hell of a fight." Meaningful words, yet they're words you still never want to hear, especially when you're fighting cancer. Well, that's a phrase that I heard today. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I heard this phrase. And now it keeps replaying over and over again in my head.

There were many ways the doctor could have said what he needed to say. "There's nothing more we can do for you." "We've run out of options." "You should start thinking about and planning for the inevitable."

No one ever wants to hear any of that. Those words sting. No, not sting, they hit you. Hard. It's like a hard punch, low down in your gut. You feel this tugging at your chest and a knot in your throat. You can't speak, but you can't cry out. The silent tears just roll down your face, as you look around the room and try to catch your breath. Try to grab on and focus on one thought, while millions are going through your head. 

This is it. I did put up one hell of a fight. I don't want to feel like I lost though. Cancer did not win. If I had lost, I would've came away empty handed. I am not empty handed. I'm more of a person now than I ever was. It was quite the journey, these past two years. I learned so much. So much about myself and about others. So much about life and how it's suppose to be lived. I met so many amazing people along the way and made lifetime friends. I grew closer to my family and made some of the best memories that I hope will never be forgotten. Some of my best days were spent fighting cancer. Doing things that I probably would have never done if I hadn't been diagnosed. I went skydiving. I was able to go to a Washington Spirit soccer game and even met my favorite athlete, Ali Krieger, who's always been such an inspiration to me.

 I loved like I've never loved before. I started an auto project on my car with my younger brother. One that I hopes he continues to keep working on long after I'm gone. I teased my older brother more than ever, but he knows it was only out of love. I stole street signs with my friends because it was just something I had always wanted to do. (It's kind of a victimless crime, so don't judge:) I came home from college, where I had met some amazing lifetime friends, to spend more time with my family. My parents. I made long trips back and forth to my second home, Boone, just to see the beautiful college town I fell in love with years ago and to spend time with those people who I don't just consider friends, but family. Time with my rugby team and coaches, who definitely are all my second family. My three best friends in Boone (trifecta forever). I never could have gotten through any of this as long as I did without those people. Trips to Asheville to see one of the best friends I could've ever asked for in this life. And riding around in my car almost every Friday and Saturday night, doing "hoodrat stuff" with my younger brother and sometimes, even a few friends. Riding around in the nicest looking lifted white jeep I've ever seen, with one of my best friends, slinging some mud or even just talking about life.  So, this fight with cancer didn't bring me down, but only lifted me up. 

I never want to hear anyone say that I lost my battle with cancer. I did not. I won. I won because I received so much more out of this fight than cancer did. You may have taken my health, my organs, and my body, but you didn't take my spirit, my attitude, or my love. And because of that, I won this fight. Not cancer.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me these last two years through anything and everything that I've been through. The messages, emails, phone calls, texts, letters, cards, etc. are what got me through each and every day. I never would have made it this far without all the love and support from all of you. I'll never have all the words to thank you enough for all that you've done and all you will do. I love you all. Always and forever. 

❤️Kristen 

$$$Moooolah$$$

Pardon me while I have a little rant here... But I'm beginning to think this country is ridiculous.  Everything just seems backwards to me.  I'm almost tens of thousands of dollars in debt because of medical bills and college loans.  I didn't ask to get cancer. I didn't ask to have three surgeries to remove tumors from my body.  I didn't ask to have over thirty rounds of chemo, costing about $6,000 each time. No cancer patient asks for that, yet most of us will be in debt for the rest of our lives, if we even live to tell the story. 

I have to pay tens of thousands of dollars for what is sometimes mediocre medical care.  I have to pay tens of thousands to dollars for education and a degree that doesn't even guarantee I get a job or the career I want.  I could end up working at the same place as someone who dropped out of middle school.  I don't get proper help from our government because my family income is too much to get assistance but not enough to pay for things ourselves.  I don't get full financial aid for school because my family isn't poor enough, but I sure as hell couldn't pay for college by myself.  Have you seen how much college tuition is these days? 

Teenagers are encouraged to apply to colleges.  It's drilled into their heads before they even start high school.  Work hard, get good grades, keep your GPA up, do well on the SAT or ACT, and you'll be accepted.  What they're not warned is that being accepted into college isn't the same thing as paying for college.  I made a 1900 on the SAT and had a 4.25 average GPA throughout high school, but that didn't help me too much.  Sure, there are scholarships and grants that you don't have to pay back, but they're not as easy to get as you think.  I applied for plenty of scholarships and grants and only received two.  Also, books for college classes are ridiculously overpriced.  $600 for a text book? $100 for a lab manual? And not everyone is a full-ride athlete.  There's this stigma that if you don't go to college after high school then you aren't doing anything with your life... Well, maybe it just isn't for everyone.  Certainly not everyone can afford it.  Some people can't even afford to apply to colleges.  I remember three years ago, I probably spent close to $1000 just applying to colleges.  The average college application fee is $200. And yes, that's non-refundable.  That's ridiculous!  Paying $200 to a school that I MIGHT go to? That I might not even be accepted into?  That might just be my back-up school?  Society wants high school graduates to so badly attend college and have the college experience but doesn't care about the amount of debt they'll be in four years later. 

This country loans money to kids that they know will never ever be able to pay that money back.  Not every college graduate lands a job right after graduation and has a six figure salary to start paying back loans before that lovely interest kicks in.  It's absolutely ridiculous.

Don't get me started on medical care.  Appointment after appointment, doctor after doctor, bill after bill.  You're charged for EVERY. LITTLE. THING.  Every opinion, every pill, every night you spend in the hospital, every prescription, every time you get your blood pressure checked, your finger pricked, your temperature taken.  Insurance helps, but it's not a life saver.  I didn't do anything to get cancer.  I never smoked, I was active, I pretty much ate healthy. I didn't ask for any of this, certainly not hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of medical care that sometimes I question if it's even worth to keep getting.  

I don't know, maybe this is just my opinion, but things seem backwards to me.  People who are just too lazy to work receive huge amounts of disability money, when people who REALLY need it don't get approved.  People who don't really need food stamps are able to get them and sell or trade them for drugs or money.  People apply for student loans and take the money and run and never go to college or pay the money back.  People who are addicted to prescription drugs are able to get free medical care and Medicaid to get drugs that other people actually NEED.  Women are able to have kids they don't care about taking care of, just to get a check from the government every month.  But hey, as long as you can buy that $700 pocket book, your baby doesn't need milk or diapers, it's okay.  

This isn't about politics or placing blame on someone or a political party, but just realizing that this country is in a bad place and something needs to be done about it.  I guess it just took getting sick and leaving college for me to realize it.

Cards!

Honestly, these are what gets me through each day.  Reading the words of encouragement from all the people who are pulling for me!  I don't have time to respond to every single one, but I promise I read them all, word for word.  I appreciate every single one of them and I can never express how much they mean to me!

If you want to write to me, my address is:

Kristen Owens 

PO Box 1665

Elm City, NC 27822

Raising Awareness

This month is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I have seen pink absolutely everywhere.  The awareness raised now for breast cancer is really amazing.  From college and professional sports teams wearing pink in nationally televised games to the White House being illuminated pink one night, there's no way people don't know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  According to the American Cancer Society, "dramatic improvements in cancer research, treatment, and early detection, millions of women are surviving breast cancer today."  Don't get me wrong, that's absolutely amazing! It's great, but the thing is, there are other types of cancer out there that need more awareness.

I, myself, use to love to wear pink to support breast cancer awareness and the survivors.  I still do!  It's an awesome thing and it's amazing that kids as young as high school and middle school age will wear pink in their games to support it.  Even my grandmother is a breast cancer survivor, so of course I will continue to wear pink in October and go to events to help support awareness and other survivors.  Statistically, behind skin cancer, breast cancer is the most common cancer among American women.  The interesting thing is, it's not the cancer that is the leading cause of death among American women.  I feel like so much awareness is raised for breast cancer, that many other cancers get overlooked.  Especially ovarian cancer, which is known as the "silent killer," because most of the time it is detected too late.  Ovarian cancer accounts for more deaths than any other cancer of the reproductive system. 

Today, women are reminded to go get their annual mammograms, do breast self-exams, and even be tested for the BRCA gene if breast cancer runs in their family.  This is all great, but what about being tested for other types of cancers or gene mutations?  Women hate pelvic exams and pap smears, but they're SO important for early detection of other types of cancer.  Please, please have one done annually! There are no true 100% reliable screening tests for ovarian cancer at this point, but any little thing can help, even if it's just knowing the signs or symptoms.  Better ways to screen for ovarian cancer are being researched. Hopefully, improvements in screening tests will eventually lead to a lower ovarian cancer death rate.

There are so many organizations out there that raise money for breast cancer awareness and research.  You can probably name one or two off the top of your head.  Komen? The Kay Yow Cancer Fund?  I bet you can't name one ovarian cancer organization, right?  Everyone knows pink represents breast cancer awareness.  Most people have to ask what color my ribbon is.  (It's teal blue, by the way.) This just proves that many other cancers need more awareness.  More money raised for research.  More testing made available.   October is great for breast cancer awareness and we've come so far.  Survival rates are up and treatments are improved.  Now, if only more awareness was raised for all the other types of cancer.  People need to know that there are other types of cancer out there besides breast cancer.  Wear your pink this month and support breast cancer awareness, but don't forget liver cancer, which is also in October!  Do a little research and look up what cancers need awareness raised next month! Lung cancer, carcinoid cancer, pancreatic and also stomach cancer.  November is also National Family Caregivers Month and they need all the support they can get.  Continue to fight the fight and never give up!  One day, there will be a cure!

TWO WEEKS!

Well, it's been two weeks since my third surgery.  I have to say that my recovery this time has been a lot quicker than my last surgery, even thought it was expected to be worse.  So, I'm definitely happy about that.  I've been feeling okay other than some pain in my right side and lower back.  I'm not quite sure of the source yet and I've received a few different opinions on it.  I'm just hoping it will reside soon.  

As for the surgery itself, everything went well.  It lasted a bit longer than the last two, but that was due mainly to having a plastic surgeon in the operating room to repair my abdominal muscles and mesh this time and close the incision.  The incision looks a lot better this time as well!  

I started chemo again last week and I'll be getting weekly Taxol treatments for six weeks and then starting a different drug. The new drug isn't actually a toxin like chemo, so none of the horrible side effects!  Just headaches and nose bleeds.. Which may sound bad, but they're definitely easy to handle compared to hair loss, extreme fatigue, and lung damage! 

I'm hoping and praying that this last surgery got everything out and this chemo and new drug will clean up the rest and maybe.. Just maybe, I'll finally be cancer free.  That's my Christmas wish for right now, so Santa, keep your eyes open!  I love the holiday season and it's my favorite time of year.  So, here's to hoping I can celebrate it with my friends and family AND receive the gift of being cancer free!  

I love all of you guys and thanks so much for the continued prayers and well wishes.  It all means so much to me.  I would be nowhere without all this love and support behind me.  Thank you! 

Unspoken Bond

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have this bond with all other cancer patients.  Maybe it's because only we understand what each one of us is going through and the battles we face every day.  Whatever it is, it's something truly remarkable.

Walking into the Cancer Center or the Women's Center at UNC, I'm usually the youngest one there by a long shot.  I still feel an understanding from all the other cancer patients.  They look at me and they just know.  Sometimes they just give me the nod or the smile when they can tell I'm not up for talking, but every now and then, they'll start up a conversation.  "So, what's your story?"  People have no idea how great it is to have someone else know exactly what you're going through. Someone who's not going to always tell you not to worry and that everything will be just fine, but instead will let you vent and talk about how scared you really are.

I hear these stories about other cancer patients who fought such a tough battle against their cancer and cancer ends up taking their life.  I feel this connection with them that few people can understand and it only makes me want fight harder and win my battle, for all those who lost theirs.  

Cancer is an ugly, terrible thing that I wish didn't exist.  I've been through many rough things in my life, but this is definitely the hardest battle I've ever had to fight.  I still have quite the battle left but I still have plenty of fight left in me. And I will never ever give up. Life is too precious. 

Also, my surgery is tomorrow morning so here's to hoping and praying that everything goes well! Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I love you all so so much! 

**Also, I want to dedicate this post to Mr. Hackett, who lost his battle just a few days ago.  But I know he's looking down on his family and friends and also everyone else who still has a tough battle to fight. I'm fighting this fight for you and everyone else who fought a long, hard fight. Rest easy. "Hackstrong"

Cherishing Every Moment

The fear of dying shouldn't be the only thing that makes a person cherish every moment in life.  I guess this journey has taught me a lot in the last year.  I've learned to cherish every little thing, whether it seems important at the time or not.  Truth is, you're never going to get that exact moment back, so enjoy it while you can.

The fear of dying also shouldn't be the only thing that makes a person really live.  I'm not talking about the everyday life, same thing day after day.  I'm talking about really living. Going out and doing things you never thought you would do.  Conquering fears and having the time of your life while doing it.  Doing things that you'll never forget as long as you live, whether it be a meticulously planned backpacking trip or a spontaneous trip to the beach.  Do the things you really want to do while you still have the ability to do them.

When I was a senior in high school, one of my teachers had my class make a bucket list of things we wanted to accomplish in life.  At the time, I didn't take this assignment as seriously as I should have.  Now, I see how important a bucket list can be and I really appreciate the importance of that assignment.  I've added more things to my bucket list in the past few months then I could have ever imagined.  Surprisingly, I'm checking things off one by one, as I accomplish the things I never thought I could or would have even attempted.  

I don't take anything for granted these days.  I cherish every moment, whether it be alone time when I get to take in the beauty around me or time I spend with family and friends.  Cancer is perceived as such a horrible thing, but I guess for me it hasn't been all negative.  It's taught me so much and I've met some pretty amazing people along the way.  Life is always a journey and I'm growing each and every day.